Oh god I am in so much pain. V-Rock Festival was last weekend; pretty much rocked the #$&% out for the first time in a long while (while I do go to Kagrra lives on occasion, they are not exactly full of headbanging and such). ( here I will talk about my experiences )

Well that's enough of that. My mom's flight to Japan in December was confirmed, hooray!! Now I get to start booking and arranging everything for that awesome itinerary I've been planning. It's going to be great but I want to keep it a surprise so no talking yet. Hint: there will be snow

As for the Japanese Boy of Interest that I mentioned earlier, he ended up having to work on his birthday weekend and then we were both horribly busy so we ended up not meeting after all. But we have been emailing back and forth, which I am led to believe is a good sign in Japanese courtship ritual? But either way he still wants to hang out so we'll probably meet again come November. So far though, he seems like a nice guy with a genuinely positive attitude, which is what I need in a friend right now.

Well I guess a lot has happened since I last (seriously) posted. The boyfriend broke up with me, or rather I broke up with him after tiring of his pussy-footing around and basically being stood up the night I arrived back in Japan and called for the ride home he'd promised me, only to be told that since he couldn't reach me in the afternoon (my phone was dead) he decided to get drunk instead.

There comes a point in situations like this when you realize fighting the inevitable just isn't worth it anymore. Between that and the constant insults, being called fat, being told he was only pretending to like me for however many months, everyday reminders that I am not as fun as drinking with John, and constant excuses for getting out of Talking About It (the last one was "I'm drunk!" - sensing a theme here?) I had to face the reality that it didn't matter how much I loved him or was willing to forgive him for everything if he was never going to step up to the plate and bother putting any effort into being a good boyfriend.

For some reason he went around telling everyone that we're still friends, even though I made it pretty obvious that I was avoiding him - though I think he's gotten the hint by now that I am not his friend and do not intend to be his friend ever again, or at least not for a very long time. If he never had any respect for me as his girlfriend, there is no reason to think he'd ever bother being a good friend, either. I might change my mind (about the friendship part) if he were to realize his wrongdoings and apologize to me, but since then he's made it pretty obvious that nothing about me is worth sacrificing his dignity for.

So good riddance to that.

The only downside of my determination to never talk to him again is that (unsurprisingly, of course) he did not keep his promise to just exit my life upon breaking up. I guess he figures that since I am the one who finally did the breaking up everything should just be fine and dandy between us? But anyway, his continuing presence at every single JET party ever leaves me home alone on most weekends these days, except for the days that I arrange a dinner or some other outing first with the intention of keeping him off the invite list. Most of my friends seem to understand where I'm coming from even if they are friends with him too - except for John, who seems determined to make my life harder by doing things like asking if he can invite Kaz to my parties (at least he asks?), or inviting him to parties he was not previously invited to on Facebook, or scheduling events over plans I was making (my birthday) and then refusing to even talk about rescheduling because hey, he gave me the option of going to HIS party, even though I was not invited in the first place etc.

I am sure John probably thinks I am being a self-righteous bitch and therefore he is in the right by doing these things, but then, John has absolutely no idea what Kazu said to me or how badly he had been treating me towards the end of our relationship... so I am trying my best not to care or take it too personally. Tbh I don't like John anyway so it doesn't matter whether or not he likes me. (Karen, on the other hand, has been outrageously supportive despite her ongoing friendship with Kaz and her bf being a big Irish dick about the whole thing)

It's hard, but I'm branching out, going new places, and meeting new people. I'm taking care of myself, losing weight and eating better. I bought a new microwave/convection oven combo and took up baking again. I'm catching up on TV I missed at home (How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang Theory being my favorites!) and reading more novels. I bought myself a Kindle so I can download new books via Amazon. I even met a great guy at a singles party with the most adorable mop of curly hair you have ever seen and I'm attending his birthday party in Nagano city on the 11th with fresh-baked peanut butter cookies in tow.

Life is hard sometimes, but it is what you make of it.

There is something about wearing cute undies that makes a girl feel good. I used to be in the "meh, nobody's going to see em" camp, but there is something about a pink polka-dotted pair of girl boxers that just has to make you smile! I dunno. I have to focus on the small pleasures in life right now or else I'll just get too stressed out to think.

So anyway I've got to get around to cleaning out my fridge and packing in preparation for going home for two weeks HOORAY. But at the same time I'm a bit scared because it'll be my first time going from/to Japan all by myself... and these are awful long flights on which to have nobody to talk to, plus the complications of transporting myself + luggage from Ueda to Narita on a weekday, otherwise it would just be Kazu dearest, could you please drive me to the train station? But then he did offer to drive me there before work if I take a bus to Tokyo in the morning, which is a pretty good idea.

Speaking of him. Ugh. This weekend we were planning on going to the Matsumoto Bon Bon dance with everyone (those of you who pay attention may remember a post about Bon Bon being one of my first after arriving in Japan!) but, of course, due to a change of management this year it turns out only JETs can participate and no extras. No Japanese people, no Interacs, no eikaiwa ALTs... of course for the latter we can just pretend that they are JETs and probably the people in charge will be none the wiser, but since Kazu doesn't have perfect English there's just no way we can pass him off as one of us. So... :( We had to decide whether we would go to Bon Bon, whereat he could maybe see everyone for a few minutes between dancing but he wouldn't be able to join, or we could pass that up and go to the Nagano Binzuru, which is supposedly the biggest obon dance in the prefecture but none of the people he knows will be there so it will suck even if we CAN both participate.

This would be simple if he actually liked me as a girlfriend because he would be happy to spend the time with me either way, but you know, that's not how it works. On that count I was strongly considering just going to Bon Bon so I could enjoy the time with my friends, especially since I figure that's what he'd do if our positions were reversed... but then I thought about leaving him all alone like that and ugh. I can't do that. I'm weak. So I was like you know what, I owe you a huge favor anyway since you stayed home from Tokyo that one time for me, so I'll go with you to Binzuru. And I felt pretty good about that decision, because it's true, I do owe him one. But of course he has to fuck it all up by being an ungrateful bastard and just being like FINE, go to Bon Bon, I'll go to Binzuru by myself. I don't need any favors. ARGHHHHH JUST SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE FOR ONCE AND SAY THANK YOU, YOU JERK >FFFF

He did the exact same thing on our 6 month-iversary when I was like hey I know you don't remember this date but I'll buy you dinner to celebrate! and he was just like "whatever, it's not important, why should I remember it??" instead of just saying thank you. What the hell? I understand men have an aversion to so-called 'favors' but it's not like I'm doing it to rack up a debt with you... I'm just doing it to be nice. :( Can't you just appreciate that? CAN'T YOU, MEN?

So of course now all of my friends are saying I'm an idiot for going to Binzuru with him instead of just enjoying myself with them at Bon Bon. And I agree. bah.

So as of yesterday I hadn't slept for two days - I had gotten about 15 minutes of sleep on Tuesday night and just 2 hours the night before that. Of course I complained about this to Kaz out of force of habit and he very sweetly invited me to his house, made me gyoza, and hugged me and rubbed my shoulders until I fell asleep. Arrrghhh this is why I can't fall out of love with him you guys!!

( asdjfjl093kljsdkjlsdf )


Anyway. Oh my god I am so lucky to be placed here at Sanchu. My school and my JTEs are amazing. You can imagine how I looked when I showed up to work on Wednesday... and once Yamabe-sensei had extracted most of the tragic story from me she was so sweet, cancelling my classes for the day and telling me not to worry about anything. I know I must have looked ridiculous and unprofessional to them (being that they are all either married with children or 50+ y.o. spinsters, my problems cannot possibly look so important in the face of all of their life experience) but they totally didn't care, and they were all so supportive.

I... I just. <3.

He's going to break up with me.

I begged him to give me another chance, for god knows whatever reason, but I think I know as well as he does that it's not going to work out. Heck knows I can try though. It's not like I want to change myself, since I don't believe in that kind of mess, but there are certain flaws I know that I have as a person that I want to work on - for my own benefit. And if it does work out for the best, bonus.

But yeah, I've got one month to meet a rebound guy. hah. good luck with that, Ms. Introvert...

The worst part about this is just like what happened with Sergio... everyone loves him. Everyone. And if we break up for good, by his own admittance, he's out of the picture... and I know my entire friends circle here is going to resent me for it. Hell, he'll resent me for it. I know how much these people mean to him, how much JETs have changed his life for the better... I really wish I didn't have to ruin that for him, but god, I've tried my best...

I just... feel sick.

Maybe it's time to take up roleplaying and escapism again.

Ugh, so I think he's bipolar or something.

He still won't talk to me. Or anyone. He "wants to be alone for a few weeks"... he was emailing me a little bit on Saturday, more or less normally, but when I asked him a question on Sunday he went right back to "just leave me alone." Ok, whatever. If the only thing that helps him is shutting up and pretending I don't exist then that's all I can do.

Makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit, but I don't really have a choice if he won't talk to me anyway.

It all seems a bit extreme for Fuji-Q Highland. Especially when it all turned out to be a misunderstanding anyway - Karen swears they told him they were going. This is believable; neither John nor Karen are very accomodating towards Kazu's occasional language difficulties, so if they said it in passing or using slang or whatever he might have not understood it. Not their fault. Not my fault. Of course I'm a little bitter about him jumping the gun and blaming it on me, but I understand he was probably not thinking straight at the time. I do think this was something that's been building up, since he was acting a little strange that morning, but when we parted ways for work he was perfectly normal. Then this happened!

I can't pretend to understand what is going through his head right now. I mean, when I get depressed, the last thing I want to do is sit around all by myself for three weeks. And like your typical passive-aggressive female, when I say leave me alone, I mean the exact opposite. So no, I don't really get it. I do think he's acting like a stupid angsty teenager and he needs to learn to deal with his problems like a responsible adult, but then, young Japanese men are not known for being the most mature species on the planet.

And if it is really a legitimate mental problem (and he has mentioned something like such in his past so I'm not just being crazy armchair psychiatrist here for the sake of legitimizing my own rejection) then it's just not fair to be angry with him.


So I guess all that's left is feeling sorry for myself.

Ugh. The boyfriend is flipping out and giving me the silent treatment again. Though this time, imho, I have very little to do with it. In order to explain myself, I guess I will introduce the players...

( yeah whatever cut for the disinterested )


So, yeah. And he won't even answer my email to let me know he's ok, and he avoided Facebook all night last night. This is stupid. I think he's gone completely sick in the head.

Hehe I just got done grading some quizzes from the first graders... they're not very good at writing negative sentences yet, and things like telling the difference between h and n are still kind of hard for them. So instead of "I'm not a teacher," one student wrote:

"I'm a hot teacher."

lol. Man I wish I could share this with my JTEs but sadly only one of them has a strong enough grasp of slang to understand why that is so funny, and it wasn't his student. :(

So anyway MY CURRENT DILEMMA: maybe two or so weeks ago I bought some hakusai (Chinese cabbage) for stir fry, and while I was chopping it up a tiny little fly buzzed out. Being that I got it from a farmer's market I didn't really think anything of it beyond "oh I guess I'll wash it one more time", and then I went on ahead with my cooking and life.

Fast forward to the present: my apartment is INFESTED WITH TINY FLIES!!!! Normally this wouldn't be so bad except I live in a little box, so wherever I am, they are. And believe me when I say they are driving me nuts. So I guess this Saturday I am going to be doing some hardcore tidying up since Kaz decided to ditch me this weekend anyway to spend the time in Tokyo with his boyfriend aka John the Irishman, despite the hour we spent on the phone detailing all the reasons why he shouldn't go. I knew he'd forget as soon as John called him up and said "Let's drink!" >:\

Anyway tiny flies. I feel a lot better after detailing my situation to some other people in the area and they all seem to have tiny fly infestations too (including Kaz - great! I can't escape). Now I don't feel all dirty. I'm still going to be doing some serious apartment decontamination though.

I am saving this link because it is like perfect for Kaz (he loves Corona). So if I can't find pjs or cute ice cube trays here is a good backup.

So yeah now for some venting. The other day one of my third grade girls asked me if I was pregnant? Wtf? It was so totally bizarre that it didn't even occur to me to be offended. I mean yeah I've got a little chub in the belly area but it's not pregnancy looking chub - I've never ever ever ever gotten that question in the States and you know how notorious we are for inappropriate questions! Granted I was wearing a hoodie at the time and being that it's a Japanese hoodie (i.e. not designed for anything with curves) it does make me look much bigger, so I guess that was why... but they've all seen me wearing this hoodie since like September, and obv. if I were pregnant I wouldn't have the same practically non-existent baby bump for um 8 months.

On the other hand I think they've only figured out I have a boyfriend in the past few months, so in their 13 year old brains I guess boyfriend + fat girl = must be a baby makes sense.

But add this to the fact that a few weeks ago Kaz - trying to be funny I think - told me his best friend thinks I'm fat. Excuse me? I don't care if you think that's cute or funny or whatever, you don't tell a girl that. Especially a girl who is only like 108 lbs and already feeling insecure in this stupid country. Then he's like "No no, he said chubby! He was smiling!" Yeah that totally makes me feel better about a total stranger calling me fat.

Okay!! I get it that winter clothes, hoodies, and t-shirts make me look like a whale. I have boobs, it happens. Jesus Christ, get over it Japan. Just look at me, I'm not fucking fat you anorexic whores.

Anyway. I get to leave work in half an hour because of some sports day thing I can't participate in due to being a cripple. In the meantime my JTE gave me some vegetable juice to enjoy and I was pretty excited about it because I love vegetable juice, but I think the Japanese stuff must have a lot more carrot in it because um barf :(

In less than pleasant news, I tried to apply the other day for the CLAIR Translation & Interpretation course, which I've been looking foward to since getting my JET Handbook last May (but only 2nd year JETs can apply so I had to wait). You'll notice I used the word "try." Basically, my new supervisor at the Board of Education is a total basketcase and not only got the guidebook and application to my desk THE DAY OF THE DEADLINE, but also instilled me with false hopes by giving me a thumbs up only to revoke that decision 20 minutes later when she realized - but only upon being told for a third time - that I was NOT in fact applying for the regular Advanced course (which I finished last month), and that the T&I course requires more money from them. "But if you can pay for it yourself, you can do it :D!" Except for that little bit there in the guidebook where it says that if my BoE hasn't set aside a budget and insists I pay for it myself, I'm not allowed to apply. I know you know that too because that's not something they would only tell me and not the BoE. But thanks anyway bitch.

I guess I understand why a small city like Ueda wouldn't bother setting aside a budget for random ALTs to learn advanced Japanese that more than likely will not be of any use to them as ALTs, but I can still be bitter about it. Especially since if I had gotten this application last month instead of 12 hours before the deadline maybe the decision would have been different.

Also, the whole mess just proves that the new sup is an airhead. Not a very good first impression.

In any case the boy's birthday is in September so I'm poking about for gifts. In this case though I have a lot of ideas so it's just a matter of narrowing them down so I can grab whatever it is in August when I visit the States. At first I wanted to get him some South Park pajamas, since he needs some summer pjs and you could probably only get something like that in America, but I cannot for the life of me find anything online in size XS or S. Actually he's working on his beer belly now that he lives on his own so I doubt he'd need the XS, but even an S would be nice! Why are American men so fat?? (oh yeah, the cheeseburgers) Has anyone seen South Park pjs in their local Wal-Marts lately? :/

I know it's kind of old and busted and Family Guy is the new hotness now, though, so I'm not expecting anything really. Just thought I'd ask.

I guess if I can't find that I'll just collect some cute shaped ice cube trays for him (he loves his Mickey one).

Well today I had my first lesson that was a monumental flop.

In my defense, the lesson plan was not my idea. My JTE suggested it and I wrote it up with her over my shoulder. I thought it would probably be too hard for them, but then I figured that the students would be able to reason themselves through the activity. They wouldn't know all the answers right away, but with a little thought and bit of process-of-elimination most of them would become pretty obvious. Those of you who have been in the system for awhile have probably already picked up on my mistake: I expected them to think.

( the critical thinking problem )

Question is, how do we fix it? I think for them it might be too late. I suppose I'll have to think critically on this one.

This day is starting off no good I think.

This morning I sprayed one (of two) of my nice white work shirts with soy sauce... now, you might ask, how does one spray oneself with soy sauce? Easily, if you're a) retarded, and (b) putting dirty dishes in the sink and you turn the faucet on without remembering that it goes immediately from zero to full blast with no warning in between. To make matters worse, I did this at Kazu's house, which means I had nothing to change into except the clothes I was wearing yesterday (and thank god I didn't change out of my work clothes before going over to his place). He keeps assuring me that it's ok, he can get some stain remover stuff that will take it out... but I'm pretty sure he was only saying that because I was hysterical. Now that I've shared the story with my JTEs they are all like umm yeah sorry about your shirt. It's muri.

If this were America it would be no big deal since I could just go to Kohl's and buy a new shirt but I can't fit my boobs into anything in this country!!! ;o; And it was a NICE shirt!!

So yeah, it seems pretty stupid to lose it over a shirt, but you have to understand my position here.

Oh well. Anyway last weekend in Tokyo with Kazu was really fun. We went out for Greek food again and it was delicious, though he ordered some kind of eggplant gratin thing that was practically like Japanese food and I think he was secretly a little disappointed about that, even though it tasted good. He wanted to go dancing but ended up falling asleep instead. Then on Sunday we went to Cold Stone and he just absolutely flipped his shit about the singing for tips thing; at first they had a sign up that basically said "Sorry, no singing because of swine flu" (wtf???) but he whined enough about coming all the way from Nagano that they did it anyway, and then he tipped them again just to hear another song lol. jerk.

Also I've decided that the TGI Friday's in Roppongi is just not as good as the one in Shibuya. They put too much pepper on my cheesesteak and his mashed potatoes were subpar. I've always really enjoyed my meals in Shibuya so I don't think the difference in quality is just my imagination... or maybe it is...

I have one of my former sensei (JPN201) friended on Facebook. This isn't so strange because he's pretty young - he was a grad student at the time of teaching me - and he's smart, funny, nice, a former JET, etc etc. Thing is he's extremely religious so lots of times his status updates will be about the LORD and the WORD and stuff like that. They're not annoying or preachy or anything; usually they're just about how much he loves God. This recent one just made me laugh though:

G.R. wants to remind us Christians, especially myself, that things like facebook and twitter can take a lot of our time, energy, and passion away from the LORD. Oh that we would all be as excited to see what the LORD is up to today as we are to see what our hundreds of "friends" on facebook are doing. Just a thought... ^_^

I'm sorry, if God had a Twitter, even I would sign up for it.

Anyway. During a lesson today ("I have _____ for/since _____") my JTE put me on the spot and asked me how long I have been living in Ueda. As most of you know I am notoriously bad at figuring out numbers in my head, so after counting on my fingers like a fool, I arrived at the answer - I have lived in Ueda for 10 months. That's almost a year! I can hardly believe it. That's already longer than I stayed in Nagoya, and though many of my very good friends are preparing to leave in another two months, I feel like my time here is just beginning. At the same time I have to remind myself, I "only" have two years left. Since when does two years sound like a very short time?!

Well, since I find myself dangling precariously over the precipice of a terrible economy back home, the plummeting value of the dollar and the reality of battling my way through a nearly non-existent job market with a useless major, but that aside. I'm... mostly hoping that'll clear up in the two years I'm gone.

In conclusion, I meant to write something about the crazy mixed messages I've been getting from the boy lately, but everything I put down has made me sound slightly delusional, so I guess I'll just leave it at... man, I've been getting some crazy mixed messages from the boy lately.

But, off to Tokyo with him this weekend. Mmm, Cold Stone in Roppongi here I come!!


PS: happy birthday puzzlepiece!

To compensate for the somber mood of the last post.

My JTEs are gearing up for testing right now (=tons of free time for me) but I'm sorry, but I just can't help but think the listening activities are hysterical. They're done by native speakers, but of course they have to speak clearly and slowly and put a lot of extra emphasis on new or difficult vocabulary, not to mention the unnatural emphasis on the most important parts of the sentence (e.g. the subject) so the students will be sure to catch it... unfortunately due to the nature of the English language - it being a stress language and all - speaking slowly and putting emphasis on the wrong words can make you sound really angry. I know the JTEs don't notice (I asked once) and the kids most certainly don't notice, but as a native speaker it's hard not to laugh at how pissed off Tom and Mary always sound at each other.

Here is an example in which Mary rips Tom a new one for not being there to take her questions while she studied:

( WHAT were you doing at SEVEN O'CLOCK LAST NIGHT? )

It doesn't help that Mary has the kind of voice one would normally associate with... how shall I say this... a total bitch.

Now for something else. I don't think it's unfair or overexaggerating to say that Japanese kids - largely as a result of their schooling - suffer from a serious lack of creativity. Nothing stumps them quite like a writing project in which they are a) not handed a clear topic that is 100% exactly identical to the book, and which is (b) not the same for the entire class, so they cannot later be given The Right Answer.

So in order to learn passive voice, the students of class 3-5 were given a project for which they were required to write 3-4 sentences to "introduce a foreigner" to an aspect of Japanese culture. The example in the book is "This is called a yunomi. It is used when we drink tea." etc. As you probably know, there are a TON of things about Japanese culture that your average foreigner would not know anything about, so the options are vast!! I mean heck, I've been studying Japan/Japanese/Japanese culture for years and I still don't know every festival or every traditional art form etc. Even Ueda city has its own traditions. Almost everything about Japanese culture is TERRIBLY INTERESTING.

Despite this, approximately 9 out of 10 students wrote exactly the same thing, with very little variation on the theme. They were not working together so I don't even think they copied each other. Can you guess what they wrote about?

I will give you some time to think.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

( answer )

sigh.

I seem to have inadvertently gotten my bf addicted to ibuprofen, because when I asked him if he wanted anything when I go back to America, he yelled "PAINKILLERS!!" This is quite a change from our early days when he wouldn't quit his bitching about how American medicine is too powerful, makes him sick, etc etc... I guess one too many cured hangovers revealed to him the real truth :)

Anyhow, let me talk seriously about my students. I'll cut because I've noticed not many people comment on my more lengthy entries so maybe they annoy most of you! Here we go. ( ijime, fears and other things )

When will this country get over the #$&@ing swine flu?? I swear it's all that's ever on TV right now. Seriously guys, I know Japan is always late to the party and all, but this crap was old meme to the rest of the world weeks ago. Only just now do they have doctors coming on tv like hey um guys it's just like a normal flu - just stay home and rest, really - but I guess no one is listening because then the program will immediately change back to OH MY GOOOODDD WEAR MASKS EVERYWHERE AND CLOSE THE SCHOOLS 120++ PEOPLE ARE INFECTED ORANGE ALERT!!!!! !!!! !!!!!! NEED MOAR HOSPITAL BEDSSSSS

Apparently there are even American and Canadian JETs who are either being told they can't leave the country or are being "quarantined" at home for up to 2 weeks if they do, even if they don't have any symptoms. Unless of course they wear a flimsy 10yen paper mask when they come to work, because that totally fixes everything. Especially when you have to take it off to eat or do anything that requires being understood clearly. Really keeps them germs in.

I suppose I'm lucky though because apparently the Ueda BoE doesn't seem to care much. My supervisor took about 5 minutes to approve my vacation time and just said "have fun!" haha. And my JTEs aren't too paranoid either. All of our conversations have ended up more or like "Hey did you hear about swine flu? Are you worried?" "No." "Oh really? Well, be careful." "'k" the end. Here's to hoping they're still that chill about it when I come back from the US in August.

Fortunately the boy also has a good head on his shoulders and thinks the whole thing is ridiculous too so that's one less thing for us to bicker about.

So anyway, those of you who were bitching about all the unnecessary media panic attacks on MSN and CNN last month - be grateful you're not in Japan because you'd probably have yourself an aneurysm listening to all this.

Welp, I am sick again, which I strongly suspect to be the fault of one of my JTEs. The only advantage to this is that, much to my surprise, the boy called me up Monday and had me stay over at his place for the worst of it and cooked for me and brought me tea and covered me in blankets and whatnot. That... that's really sweet :( Of course he was also teasing me and perving on me the whole time too but then that's just Kazu. Even me at my snottiest and most vile will never deter him because he has the immune system of an angry god and will get over a cold that has knocked me out for weeks in just a day or two... which is really bizarre given how much he smokes and drinks and what he eats. And not fair at all.

My JTEs are all really sweet too and basically cancelled my entire schedule for two days so I could sleep on my desk instead of having me take nenkyuu since they know I am saving it to visit home :]

SPEAKING OF, I am finally ready to buy tickets. Or at least, I will be as soon as the money transfers. What sucks is I have to pay by credit card, which I basically can't get in Japan because I'm foreign (I suppose it might be easier in Tokyo, but here even my bank worker bf is like um yah lol no), so I have to pay in USD via my US debit card. That means I have to go through this big money-losing fiasco of transferring yen from Hachijuuni over to Wells Fargo before I can buy tickets that are actually cheaper in JPY even before the collective $40 of transfer/exchange fees if only I could pay for them!!

But if everything goes according to plan, I will be home from Aug 3rd to Aug 18th. It's a pretty short time but it's the best I can do with my given vacation days. Anyone wanna party?


ETA: woohoo, tickets purchased...

So here I am sitting around in my pjs on a Friday night (since 4:30pm) because everyone was invited out to bowling and I don't really have an interest in that, and Kazu works late and has to go golfing with a client tomorrow, so he can't entertain me either. Sometimes dating a salaryman sucks.

So this/last week was Golden Week. For those of you unfamiliar with Japanese holidays (but you probably recognize the term from anime right?), this is a string of three relatively useless holidays on May 3rd, 4th, and 5th, usually following a weekend, but if a day off should fall on a Sunday we get a "substitute holiday" on the following weekday to compensate. Golden Week, for domestic travel, is an obvious nightmare. But since Kazu is a lazy bastard and hates to plan things we missed our chance to get a good deal on an overseas trip and went to Hiroshima instead. By bus. Lots of bus.

If you've known me for awhile you might remember that I actually stayed in Hiroshima for 5 weeks about four years ago on a summer study abroad with Hiroshima Shudo University, so this trip was like nostalgia central for me. But at the same time I wasn't way out in the boonies like I was at Shudo, so it was like seeing a completely different side of the city. This time I also took the ropeway up Miyajima island and hiked to the top of the mountain to see a great view of the Seto Inland Sea, which was amazing, if stressful (I'm no hiker). I also ate every kind of momiji manju flavor imaginable, some of which I don't remember being there last time - there was chocolate of course, my favorite, but I also sampled lemon, cream cheese (!!), purple potato, and almond. I was not brave enough to try bamboo charcoal, however. As far as I'm concerned charcoal is not a flavor. Kazu tried to be manly and mostly ignored them - in Japan, sweets are almost strictly a "ladies" thing - until I bought some chocolate; then he stole the last one.

Anyway, with all these new flavors, momiji manju has moved up to the #1 spot of my list of favorite Japanese sweets. I didn't have a list before, but now I do, and momiji manju is #1.

So, you might ask, how was spending your 5 day vacation with the boyfriend who doesn't love you? Relatively uneventful, actually. We got along a lot better than we have all month... he was really on his best, most considerate behavior. It was a lot harder coming back, because being back in Ueda and going to work and blah-dee-blah sort of made me remember that I have problems.

I don't know though. After much talking, crying, and thinking about it clearly, I sort of understand his circumstances. He has plans for the future and so do I, and those plans came before "each other." And unlike myself, for him, love is synonymous with absolute commitment... which as we all know, that's something no guy just jumps into without a lot of thinking. It's still pretty early in the relationship and like he always says, no one knows the future. But as long as he continues to be a caring and attentive boyfriend, then I know that he loves me on my terms, if not on his.

At least if he does decide to leave me behind, I have somewhere to go. I have my own plans. I might have reconsidered them for him, but if he will never do the same for me, then there is no reason why I should sit around pining for a guy who doesn't care enough for me to compromise. So that's that. Time to get over it.

Now in HORRIBLE NEWS, I apparently missed out on the chance to buy a ticket for Kagrra's oneman on 6/6... but I guess I can look at the bright side and say more money for my upcoming trip back to America in August :]

I need to put on my "game face" for class in 30 minutes so I guess I will talk about some other things now instead of just sitting here at my desk pretending I have something in my eye.

You know how when something relatively tragic happens to you, you kind of want to immediately go out and do something to "reinvent" yourself, like get a haircut or buy a bunch of new clothes? Well, last night after he left I decided to dye my hair with the few boxes of hair dye my mom sent me. Thing is, I asked her for my last color (left her the box top and everything), which was Clairol Natural Instincts "Rosewood" - a dark but very vibrant auburn brown, like this. What she sent me was Garnier Nutrisse's "Black Cherry," a dark burgundy, which is in the family of colors I used all the time in high school and college. (I imagine that brand was on sale)

Of course I used it anyway because I was miserable and like fuck it, I like burgundy. Also Mom spent the money so I figured I'd better appreciate it and use it.

So yeah my hair is purple now. :[ I like purple and all - which is why I used burgundy for so many years - but this is totally not work appropriate and I am just sitting here waiting to be called out on it. It'll mellow out after Golden Week but still aaaagghhh (besides wasn't the Rosewood rockin'? I miss it)

So to strike up conversation, what are your "reinvent yourself" strategies? Have you ever done anything you immediately regretted?

Also wtf is with all the Russian journals adding me all the sudden? Why do they add me? How do they find people to add? They all seem to have dai_kun and darkscream friended too (the latter of whom has not used his journal in years) and more often than not zetsubouromance too... and these friends are all from more or less completely different social circles?!

If anyone knows, clue me in. It's really bugging me.

You know that phrase, he's just not that into you?

I'd wonder if a Facebook relationship status change to It's complicated is necessary, but then, "I like you a lot but it's not love" is pretty much the least complicated thing ever, isn't it?

I feel like I'm a little too old to be getting that speech? Isn't that kind of stuff for high school? Or maybe I'm just too used to having boyfriends who worship everything about me even though I'm not really that into them, instead of the other way around.

I don't know. I feel like this relationship has an expiration date stamped on it now. But then, I sort of knew from the beginning that he was just some kind of karmic retribution for how I treated my boyfriends in the past. I mean, I broke it off with Sergio (who was really far too good to me) because I wanted to study in another country, and now the same thing is inevitably going to happen to me. I deserve this.

But I don't know. Do I break it off? Do I wait around to see if things will change before he leaves in a year or never? I need advice. I might not follow it, but I need it. Anyone?